Blog #00069

Josh
November 24-2010


To be, or not to be, that is the question:"
Should I live? Why do I live? Why do I exist? What purpose do I serve? What is my meaning, my purpose, in life?

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune"
Why do I suffer? What did I do to cause this? Could this have been avoided? Should I hold it in, and keep my pain to myself? Do I deserve this?

"Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them."
Do I rise up against those who suppress me? Take action? Fight back? Should I stand out? Be that one lone wolf who fights back? Even if it costs me? Costs me everything I hold dear? Am I willing to lose it all for something I believe in?


The quotes above come from Shakespeare's Hamlet, when the character of Hamlet is contemplating suicide. He questions if he should live or if he should die. I have pondered the same question; however, I have contemplated quite a bit more. I am not suicidal, but I do question what happens after death. What happens to our minds, where we "go". Fortunately, I have friends who ask these same questions. Together, we keep each other's minds active, and work towards examining every aspect of all these questions.
I love taking part in these intellectual discussions, where we drop the bounds of the real world and pretend that anything is possible, and actually believe it is. I'm not afraid to ask the question which everybody thinks about, but are too scared to ask. I have these life talks with my friends, and learn. I don't learn math or science, I learn life. We're all teenagers and we don't have a lot of experience out in the "real world", but we don't care. We're willing to discuss things that we're too young to know about. And we surprise even ourselves sometimes with revelations that we never thought were coming.
By questioning the world around me, I get to learn something new, every day. And I love it. I never want it to stop. I'll always be questioning things, always be that person to ask "Why?", be the one who seems annoying. But I want to know. I really want to know why. It's something that drives me to continue on every single day.

One real benefit that I've gotten from asking all these questions is closure. Once I know the answer, I can come to terms with it and move on. In my past, I've had a not-so-perfect home life, floating between the two houses of my divorced parents. But by questioning over time, and learning that it really was for the best, I am able to accept the fact that even though I may have not liked it at the time, I can accept the fact that it was for the best.
The same can be said for when I get into a disagreement with one of my friends. When dealing with issue, I try and figure out the reason they did certain things, the reason I did what I did. I go over it in my mind, and talk with them. I can always find a way to forgive them. Personally, I don't think I could ever not forgive my friends. Though it may be a flaw in my personality, I find it extremely hard not to trust people, unless they've abused it. My friends mean a lot to me, I would not be who I am without them.

As a kid, I was constantly reading. You could never find me without a book. I read mystery, fantasy, horror, science fiction - everything. I noticed a certain trend in the books. The protagonist (or "hero" in my mind back then) always got to save the day. They would help somebody, and everything would turn out all right. The good guys would win. Even as a kid when reading these books, I acknowledged that this couldn't happen in the real world. When I turned 11 I would not get a letter in the mail telling me I was a wizard. I knew it was too good to be true. But I still hoped. I always hoped that I was wrong, that the letter would still come. To this day, I still have that hope inside of me. I still want to be the person who wins the day, makes all the difference. I want to change the world, be amazing. I'm trying to do that in my own way. By questioning the world, trying to figure out how it works, I try to find my place in it. I try and figure out the secrets of life with my friends. I want to be that hero, and I will always try to be. I'm still waiting for my letter.